A friend of mine who has worked for a few years in an autism organization once remarked that parents need more therapy and counseling than their special needs children. I thought he meant it as a joke, but he did not smile or laugh. “It is true”, he emphasized in a solemn voice, “they seriously need psychological help”.
I have had my own encounters with some of these parents. Here are some caricatures whom I have met:
Dr. Autism: Usually special needs professors or experts in alternative medicine. Knows exactly what is wrong with the child and how to fix him or her. He is supposed to have succeeded in recovering his children, except that these children still exhibits autistic behavior in the eyes of everyone else. Only seeks agreement of other people for validity of own treatments or theories. When confronted with undeniable evidence such as temper tantrums, rolls eyes and claims that the children are refusing to behave properly in front of other people.
Boot Camp Commander: Usually the CEO of a special needs school or organization. Has fixed ideas on what therapies the child needs, what the child should be doing and what goals the child should be achieving. Any infraction will be swiftly corrected. Holds child as a model of success for other parents to see. Only wants to hear praises and agreement from other parents. If the child does not perform as expected, blames the child for letting the family down.
Maid: Usually from a well off family with expensive cars and an army of maids. Panders to special needs children all the time – gives one new toy every day, avoids sending the child for therapy because it is too “stressful” for him and orders 3 extra dishes for lunch because the kid changed his mind after his first bite. Never scolds the child for inappropriate behavior; bribes the child with more gifts and snacks instead. Any feedback that she is too soft on her child is explained away as necessary for nurturing his delicate spirit.
Puppeteer: Usually a Chinese housewife who could have became a CEO or politician, but did not. Makes plans for all the situations the child would encounter, then expects the child to follow these plans regardless of his special condition or situation. Any failure by the child to complete these plans is seen as a disgrace for the family; the child must be severely nagged to let him see the point. Ultimate motive is for the child to become a successful person (in her eyes) by following her plans exactly. Unlike the Boot Camp Commander, uses a gentler approach and keeps a low profile. Her wrath manifests only in private settings.
Hermit: Usually a male engineer or technician who has autism or autistic tendencies. Takes a hands off approach to managing his own children – prefers to let his wife or other family members handle such matters. Has more important things like work, hobbies or plans to attend to. It is unclear why he got married and have children in the first place.
Insult-ant: Usually a shrewd lady with very strong ideas who thinks she knows more than the professionals. Unlike the camp commander, she prefers to discipline other people. Takes delight deluging customer service staff with insults, criticizing own therapists and teachers on Internet communities and giving her maid a hard time. Sees herself entitled to premium service just because she paid a miserly sum. Proud of her own children and sees them as faultless.
Doubter: Usually a restless lady who could not stop asking question after question. Indecisive and easily swayed by outside opinion. Jumps from one fad to another, but never sees through the therapy or strategy. As a result, the therapy or strategy fails and makes her even more doubtful than ever. Usually believes in tarot cards, spirit channelings and indigo children. [This does not mean that these beliefs are bad, just my observation.] Her motto in life is to have an open mind, and so she never closes any case with a conclusion.
Abuser: I have never met such a parent yet, but have heard much about them. Deems own special needs children as punishment from heaven/God; takes out anger on these children through verbal and physical abuse. May have became emotionally unstable due to failed marriage, substance abuse or other life traumas. Needs immediate psychiatric help.
