It is not a coincidence that many people with Asperger’s or high functioning autism are constantly unhappy, anxious and depressed. Nothing seems to work in their lives, no matter how hard they try. Everyone seems to hate them and they hate these people back. They want to do something to improve the irrational and imperfect world, yet they feel powerless and unsupported to make that change.
Until 2002, I just wanted to be left alone to do what I like to do. Being with other people only seemed to cause me trouble and suffering. I had the solutions to Humanity’s problems, but no one was willing to listen to me or able to help me. I felt as if I was carrying a heavy wooden cross on my shoulders, tasked to change the world alone without any support or reinforcements.
On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is completely dissatisfied with my life and 10 is completely satisfied, I would score 1 to 2. I often wished that my ET comrades would send one of their spaceships and rescue me from this violent and primitive civilization.
I could not accept other human beings as long as I see Humanity as the scum of the universe. I could not accept my own life as long as I deny that I belong to Planet Earth. I could not accept the reality around me as long as I see this as a meaningless existence of pain and suffering.
It was only when I started to accept my identity as an Earthling that I made some breakthroughs. This process started with reading Neale Donald Walsch’s Conversations with God just before I started serving compulsory military service. These works helped me to accept that the world is good, beautiful and meaningful. It helped me accept the strange ways of the people of Planet Earth. Later on, releasing workshops helped me open up further.
When I finished serving the Army, I had the wonderful experiences of doing autism sharings overseas and interacting with many new friends from different backgrounds and nationalities. During this time, I experienced deeper emotions and a new appreciation of food. However, that ended very soon with family pressure as well as a change of heart by my sponsor, plunging me into a new emotional crisis.
Seemingly oblivious to my inner growth, my mother was obsessed with finding a stable day job for me. However, I felt perfectly fine with freelance computer servicing, photography, writing and public speaking. My mother forced her way by threatened to disown me. Feeling cornered both by a lack of finances and support, I surrendered. The effect of this was a great feeling of animosity towards my mother and a determination to be liberated from her as quickly as possible.
To secure the new job, I agreed to work for at least 2 years, which aggravated my ill feelings. As the months passed, I felt increasingly burned out and desperate.
In the midst of this darkness, at the age of 27 years old, I suddenly saw some new perspectives in life. I realized that the my old way does not work, and I will have to adapt and find a new way to balance both family commitments as well as my own passion. In addition, although I felt that I am invaluable to autism research and am worth millions of dollars, I have to accept that other people do not see or measure my value in the same way.
A new sense of confidence filled me, and I started to consider other options such as going for further studies. Some Earthlings might call my new realization a new form “maturity”. I simply call it “acceptance”.
Just a final note: 5-HTP supplements and psychoactive medicines might relieve the symptoms of depression, but it won’t solve the underlying causes. Only going through a process of inner growth could do so.
